Just like Diane Jenkins

My childhood was shaped by two consistent, never-missed, never-interrupted television programs - Little House on the Prairie AND the Young and the Restless.

I re-watched every episode with the Ingalls clan and enjoyed 98% of it (the last season was less than satisfying). The stories were so wholesome; based on human interaction and real emotion. As a child, I didn't always understand the conflicts but my mother loved the show and I remember her reaction to the storylines; sad and happy tears flowed freely, more over the show than ever in real life. Walnut Grove seemed like the perfect place to live; natural countryside beauty, true peace and unconditional love. Little House on the Prairie was always on channel 27 at 5:30pm from Monday to Friday, right after Y&R on Global (channel 3).

In our home, the volume of our one and only TV always stayed under 10 unless Victor Newman was speaking. I was allowed to sit and watch the show IF I sat quietly. I learned the characters well enough, I even started to pick a few favorites but it took many years for me to understand the cinematic drama. The lying, the cheating, the manipulation, the deaths, the resurrections, the switched-at-birth's, the fake pregnancies', the hostile takeovers, the rivalries, the stolen identities, the surprise baby-daddies, the arson/theft/murder/kidnapping/car accidents... the list goes on. I have revived my fond 'mommy & me' moments that came from the devoted soap opera viewing. Funny how an 8 year break brings me full circle to almost ALL the same characters; as if the show was paused waiting just for me before resuming.

I am enlightened by a recent realization, as I watch the show in my living room with 100% of my undivided attention, my mother is doing the exact same thing over 900 miles away. It just so happens that this week on the Y&R, the villain known as Diane Jenkins is BACK FROM THE DEAD. She abandoned her only son, whom she had by switching the sperm of the baby-daddies, framed someone for her murder, and had a decoy body buried in her place. She is searching for forgiveness, wanting to explain herself and prove that she is reformed; no longer a narcissist. Watching her son Kyle grapple with questions of inadequacy, confusion over why, and whether to trust a woman he knows nothing about who still claims to love him. I can't help but wonder if my own mother is drawing a parallel? Is it possible that she sees herself in a similar role; just like Diane Jenkins? Kyle says in one of the episodes that he is going to leave the door open for a possible relationship; if I'm Kyle in this scenario than I feel I have done the same with the letter I wrote her in 2018, giving my mother a chance to tell me her side of life; to give me insight into who she is as a person. There are more differences then there are similarities though. For example, Diane goes out of her way to connect with her child, she isn't wasting away years of her life making excuses and blaming/shaming her children to whomever will listen. Diane even goes back to the scene of her many crimes, the city that harbors all of her enemies, just to have a chance to speak with her son face-to-face. Unlike my mother who wants a pat on the back for trying to call me on my birthday. Diane went through therapy and has a lot to say; she takes ownership of her actions, admits her faults and expects nothing in return. I am clearly asking for too much of my mother, to stand up and fight for what she believes in and at least try to make amends through honest communication. I know I am comparing real life to a scripted television drama but the reason this particular daytime show is so popular is because it evokes emotions in its audience. I can't relate to characters Victoria Newman whose husband lied about cancer and took a $500Million payout to annul their marriage. And I hope to never relate to Sharon Rosales who has lost her husband to an unexpected heart attack while driving on a foggy night after forgetting some hockey tickets at home. But the neglected child whose mother has been 'gone' for years; that hits a bit closer to home for me.

I still have a hard time reconciling my upbringing with the two shows I feel I was raised with. The Newman's, Abbott's, Chancellor's and Winter's have an exciting, intriguing and overall crazy life which is enjoyable to watch but I would have traded anything to be an Ingalls. Heck, I would have settled to be an Oleson; Nellie and Willie as my siblings would have been pretty entertaining. It's not often I say thank you to the woman who gave birth to me but I am grateful for the introduction she gave me to these shows; I just wish Carolyn Ingalls was the mother-figure comparison instead of Diane Jenkins.