Lady Problems

I've been wanting to complain about this for a while now but I can't seem to find the right words so my plan is to rip it off like a band-aid. If I am alone in this; so be it. My biggest lady problem (aside from boob sweat) is pee travelling along my butt/lower thigh, mid-stream, to the edge of the toilet bowl/seat instead of going straight down. It's funny but I'm not joking. When I REALLY have to go and the flow is strong, all of a sudden, it starts to lean heavily to one side. This action makes a mess and the worst part is, I try to control the dribble but it has a mind of its own. I was taught the poop trick but no one shared any pee tricks. If you don't know the poop trick its probably because you have a nice small butt... I learned very young, with the larger size of my rear end, that if I 'spread the cheeks' before I sit for a No. 2, it helps with the cleanliness of the poop (a straight shot with no messy side walls). Soooo out of habit now, I spread the cheeks whether its a numero uno or dos. Imagine my surprise when it stopped working for the simple tinkle. The logical explanation would be my recent weight gain, with more parts to sit on the more area I have to wipe after urinating. Maybe I'm all alone on this Water-Closet limb but I just can't hold it anymore (ha!). People complain about sidewalk cracks, defective can openers, even bad TikTok videos but all those negatives are forgotten just as quickly as they are mentioned. My issue is daily (sometimes twice a day) and so annoying that I am dreaming up inventions like a special toilet seat, something with a lip, a rim or a funnel. I could try losing weight, having less 'spillage' of my wibbly bits, and hope for the problem to go away but let's be honest, which one is more likely - lose 20lbs or a Whoa-Man Pee Seat (patent pending).

***UPDATE: I’ve been informed of a lady funnel called ‘Go Girl’, I hope it‘s real - it would be cruel to toy with my emotions 😂🤞