Parental Discretion is Craved

In recent months, I have been struggling to reconcile my thoughts and actions when it comes to my parents. It's a rare occurrence to speak of my mother and father in the same sentence; it actually causes me stress and anxiety to think of the two of them sharing anything, let alone five children. I've heard stories about their past but nothing that feels honest or genuine since it was never told to me by either of them specifically. The common consensus among friends and family is that they should have never been together but if that were true, my siblings and I wouldn't exist. I am grateful for my life and for my family, dysfunctional as we may be. My feelings haven't changed though... Since my teen years, after many attempts to share my life with either parent; I learned that a stress-free, peaceful existence came with distance from them both. I don't blame my mom or my dad for my difficulties or mistakes. Oddly enough, I still crave something. I almost called my mother the other day, I hyped myself up with this awesome idea. I would call her and talk about the weather and The Young and the Restless; no topics that could cause anger or sadness. I waited until after 5:30pm when the most recent episode ended and Victor Newman was showing off his boxing skills at 80 years old, but I just couldn't do it. Not because I was afraid of what she would say or what I would say but because my life is peaceful and stress-free, I don't want to open a door that I would not be able to close (and lock, if necessary). As for my dad, I had prayed all my life for him to become sober. I convinced myself that the only reason he had his issues, like neglect, abuse (physically and mentally) and guilt, were all because of his addiction. He is finally sober but it came at a very high price. His strokes stole pieces of his mind, his personality is altered and his memory has suffered. As for his heart, he has expressed shame and guilt after hearing his cancer diagnosis. I assume he is trying to bring back some good karma, choosing to live the rest of his days the best that he can even through his bouts of depression.

I'm not exactly sure what I am looking for. I can't change either of my parents and yet I want or yearn for their understanding and compassion, even if those characteristics may not be accessible to either of them. My parental goal is to teach my son that I will always listen, I will always have an opinion (whether he likes it or not) and I will always love him, no matter what. Luckily, my husband had an upbringing that we can use as an example. His parents had set expectations, instilled morals, followed through with discipline and the result: four decent, hardworking, human beings. My personal past is littered with slip and falls but I must have done something right to deserve a man who adores me and a son that literally picked me to be his mother.

(this is a photo of a portrait taken in roughly 1989 / 1990 and the irony isn't lost on me that Mary and Jesus were added to the Medeiros family)