Piece of Cake

I have been MIA lately and I don't have a good excuse. I thought about writing a post last weekend about the young girl at Starbucks who had a purse that cost more than her duct-taped bumper on her Nissan Sentra. I was tempted to write about the strange aches and pains I've been feeling, in my shoulders and my groin area but I know now that the shoulder knots are from stress and my groin was hurting because of the butterfly sit-ups during my birthday workout. I was a bit concerned after going to the bathroom one day and seeing black poop in the toilet. I asked my husband and my brother, "what does that mean?" and neither of them really thought it was anything to be worried about. I should have googled it before asking them because WebMD said the most common cause of black stool was from something you ate (I had forgotten all about the whole sleeve of red, white and blue Oreo cookies I ate 4th of July weekend). I have struggled lately with my food choices... I was a lot stronger in that department when COVID first hit. I had a better grasp on my cravings and I was much more focused on my goal to get healthy. These days, my strength has dwindled, I am literally minute to minute on whether to get up and get a snack - especially on the weekends. Kevin has his car outside of work and as frustrated as he seems to be with it sometimes, he enjoys the time it takes to research for it and tinker with it. When he is gone on the weekends (even if its only a few hours here and there) I try to get excited about a book, a TV show (season 17 of Grey's was so disappointing), or cleaning the house to my favorite playlist (Tyler & Mel's Dance Hits is my top choice). These are the days I indulge the most, I am drawn to sugar and it temporarily gives me the high I am looking for. It is truly an addiction. The scale in my spare bedroom can attest to that statement, 90% of the clothes I own but can no longer wear can confirm it, and my greatest enemy is now mirrors or reflective surfaces. I carry guilt and shame every morning when I put on workout clothes to head to the office. Wearing a shirt that advertises our family business in fitness equipment. I think this is the real reason I haven't written my feelings down, I haven't wanted to admit to myself that I am failing at something. It's so much easier to put 'weight' on other things; having to face my emotions, try to understand the root cause of them and pull myself out of a downward spiral is hard. Rome wasn't built in a day and if I'm going to succeed, I need to get my mind straight. I had no direction when I started typing this post but I already feel the compass correcting itself, it always helps for me to write things down, put them out into the world. Admitting I have a problem is supposed to be half the battle, the other half should be a piece of cake (metaphorically speaking, of course).