Placebo Effect

I am driving myself crazy with worry and stress. I feel like I am having the opposite of the placebo effect; I so badly DON’T want to get COVID that I may have forced my body to feel symptoms that are real to me, but not actually there. This isn't the first time I have gone through stress and ended up with physical proof of my powerful mind. Back in 2013, Kevin and I had become pregnant for the first time. I wanted that pregnancy more than anything and when I started spotting, I feared the worst so I denied that anything was wrong. I went to the hospital when the bleeding persisted and it couldn't be ignored. They completed tests and an ultrasound and since it was so early in the first trimester the doctor said I should return for another ultrasound and more bloodwork a week later. This continued for 5 weeks straight because they could see my pregnancy hormone levels were increasing but not nearly as quickly as they should be. Each visit I prayed with all my might that there would be some sign of life. With no heart beat and all other options exhausted, the doctor gave me the bad news that there was no fetus. The official term was 'blighted ovum' and if they did not perform a DNC, my body may continue to prepare for the 'baby'. It could take weeks/months for it to take care of itself naturally and I truly believe that my desire to be pregnant kept those levels up. Now it's 2021 and my fear of getting COVID is real, especially with the stress of my loved ones contracting the virus. My mind is in the worst kind of hell. You would think as each day passed with zero symptoms, that I would be relieved. Instead, it makes me more sure that it is coming for me. It feels inevitable. Last night I felt body aches, chills to the point of chattering teeth and a piercing headache; pain I have never felt through the iris of my right eye. I was confident that I had a raging fever but when I checked at midnight, it was a normal healthy temperature. I forced myself to sleep and had a terrible nightmare where Scientology created coronavirus to convince all non-believers to convert. I awoke around 3am in a cold sweat and I was SURE this was the virus presenting itself. I messaged my loved ones (even though it was the wee hours of the morning) and I prayed I could get some rest. The first thing I did this morning was check my temperature and it was normal, no fever. I did still have a horrible headache but I took Tylenol and it went away. The only explanation I have is the power of my conscience mind; imagine if I could harness that brain power towards something positive or productive!

As I type, I am feeling fine, mainly because I took more Tylenol around 6pm. I have booked Kevin and I for the Rapid COVID test on Thursday. I also have switched from the Scientology Documentary to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air; Season 3. I should get back to it... Aunt Viv just gave birth to little Nicky.