rusted from the rain

The saying; 'when it rains; it pours', really resonates with me these days. I am living the perfect storm of Stress, Worry, Guilt, Self-Pity, and all out Uselessness.

The Stress comes from falling behind at work which goes back to December 2021. Kevin and I left for Christmas, wanting to see our son and our extended family. We managed to enjoy the small snippets of time carved out from a distance, through a glass door or more courageously, on a couch or in a pool hall. The COVID anxiety north of the border was a stark contrast to the laidback feel of the south. We thought our customers/clients would also take a break over the holidays, especially since more people were gathering compared to the Christmas before last (2020). Boy were we wrong! From New Years Day to Groundhog Day, we have been working 6, sometimes 7 days a week. I have given up trying to start each day with only that day's tasks. My to-do list is longer than my arm hair. I could work 24 hours straight and I MIGHT feel a dent in my paperwork.

In creeps the Worry, again it started in December 2021. My dad was admitted into the hospital. He obviously didn't want to go, didn't want to face any health issue and specifically didn't want to go to the emergency room. He believed if he went to the hospital he would never leave. He wasn't wrong but he wasn't right either. Emergency surgery was performed to remove a blockage in his bowel, a CT scan found cancer, a longer (more complicated) recovery, followed by a liver/kidney failure scare, sprinkled with a case of COVID-19 brings us to the end of January 2022. As of February 28th, dad was no longer in need of acute care. He was released from the hospital and admitted into Long Term Care. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for our entire family. We are staying positive and hoping for the best while keeping in mind that time is, and always has been, precious. I have heard people talk about the pressures of finding the best suited home for their elderly parents. I have all new empathy for those who have been through this process. The expense, the paperwork, the minuet details and the organization that comes with micro managing someone else's life, is a task that has no comparison.

Next comes the Guilt for being here (USA) instead of there (Canada). This isn't an excuse but if I am completely honest with myself, I am of more assistance here. Being self-employed gives me more flexibility with phone calls, emails, faxing and scanning, and paying bills. What I am unable to do is lighten the load on my brother, Joe or my sister, Liz. They carry a burden that is only theirs and even though I try to make things easier, I know they have no escape from this new reality, caring for a beloved elderly sick man.

Self-Pity gripped me last week and wouldn't let me go; at least not for a couple of hours. I broke down one evening while starting the laundry. I was completely overwhelmed, my emotional cup was spilling over, and the tears started to fall with no sign of stopping. I prefer to cry in the shower. If you haven't tried it, you should; you can ugly cry, snot everywhere and clear your sinuses with the steam. It's therapeutic and for the multi-tasker, it gets you clean all at the same time.

Last stop on this complaint train is Uselessness. I pride myself on my memory and organization skills. I keep notes about everything! I have a common practice of using my cellphone to write myself an email about every client conversation if I am not at my desk. From my insurance days, I learned to put a date on all scrap pieces of paper and as a rule of thumb, to not put off any task that would take 2mins or less to complete. So it is with great shame to admit that I sent a loaded truck, and 4 men, to a delivery 25 minutes away on the wrong date. The customer said I was on holidays when she called to tell me her house isn't closing on the day she thought so she needed to switch the equipment delivery date. I do not recall this conservation, I did not write it down or email a message to myself. I was so sure that the delivery was today and that the customer had forgot, that I called and left a detailed voicemail, saying, 'Hi, Mr. & Mrs. Nelson, today is March 8th and my guys are onsite ready to deliver... please call me back ASAP'. I even texted them asking, 'Where are you? It's 10:30am on March 8th'. I consider this single event to be my worst mishap thus far as a business owner; it tops the time I ran the forklift into our warehouse roll-up door which is still dented (a daily reminder of my many mistakes).

I am releasing all of this into the universe; moving forward by choice and giving myself the space to be me. This journal helps me clear my thoughts; I hope it encourages others to talk about what is going on in their lives, to be accountable for their actions, to own their feelings and to admit their faults 💕