UP week 6

Thanksgiving (aka American Turkey Day) was this past week and its no surprise that I enjoyed every gravy covered inch of my plate 🤤. The scale is up (again) I am at 206.4lbs but I'm not mad about it. I was also on my period so my hormones were crazy and I gave in to temptation more easily. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I expected worse 😂.

Earlier this week I experienced an intense dream; one of those dreams that are so real they literally become a part of your memory. I had to wait till the end of the day to tell Kevin about it because the emotions were so raw. I'm going to share the details and I don't know if I'm going to be any good at putting the feelings behind the imagery but I'm going to try.

I was in our home, the second floor condo that we currently live in. It was just me and my grandma, my mom's mom, the woman who raised me, the mother figure I lost to bone cancer and dementia when I was 15 years old. My grandma was in my kitchen, her same old self, curly white hair that she kept up with a fresh perm every 8 weeks; a standing appointment at the beauty parlor. I was in the living room, not sure what I was doing exactly but in the hallway was some blue cut-up ribbon and scissors on the floor, right in front of the shoes that are kept near the front door. I must have been working on some crafts although grandma would NEVER let me walk away from a mess without cleaning it up first so I guess that could have been a bad omen. It was raining in my dream, really hard, a torrential downpour. That's the sound that rings in my ears now, as I type, the rain was deafening. All of a sudden my grandma starts running from the kitchen to the front door, RUNNING with an urgency that I'd never seen before, especially for her age. I asked her in Portuguese, 'Grandma, what's wrong?' I heard her open the front door and I started to go after her but she locked the door behind her (we have one of those doors with the numbered keypad and when you leave, you can set the lock from the outside with a push of a button). I flipped the deadbolt, swung the door open and saw her slippers on the wet door mat. I looked over the railing and her lifeless body laid on the concrete walkway as the rain continued to fall.

That's when I woke up experiencing chest pain, high blood pressure, finding it hard to breathe and IF it had been actually raining at that moment, I probably would have started screaming. I debated waking Kevin because I was so shaken but instead I tried to shift my focus to reality and gain my composure at 3:16am. I'm not sure what this dream means and to be honest, I'm not looking for a meaning because the only message or connection I felt was insurmountable loss. The loss of my beloved grandmother and the loss I feel having to live each day without her earthly presence. It still feels real now, as I type. I can't explain it any better, it's a part of me, the dream (or nightmare) and the emotions it uncovered.

This wasn't much of a weight loss post but it's a Mel post, my thoughts and actions on paper so I can feel the release that comes with sharing what's in my heart.

Now for the weekly picture, unfortunately I have buried my full length mirror because we put up our Christmas tree this weekend and I have to move furniture around to make room. I am going to have Kevin take my photo LOL poor guy, and this might have to be the new norm until the end of the holiday season.