Worst Case Scenario

I started watching This Is Us (finally, right?). I love the characters, the imagery, the plot and the best part, it makes me feel like I'm apart of the Pearson perfectly, imperfect family. The Randall and Beth relationship is my favorite. I'd like to think Kevin and I share some of their traits like friendship, partnership and communication. We aren't actors and our life isn't scripted, meaning reality sucks sometimes. We are so in sync in many ways but coping with stress isn't one of them; I sit here typing in my very public journal (oxy-moron?) and he is watching Austin Powers International Man of Mystery even though his favorite is the second movie (he says you HAVE to watch them in order). Not many people worry about Kevin; he is calm, cool and collected 99.9% of the time. He can turn off his concerns and has a knack for looking on the brighter side, all while balancing reality. It is very obvious to all who know me when I am less than my whole self. I get asked 'how are you?' and the obligatory answer is 'good' or 'fine'. But I'm not very convincing when I'm just being polite so I've started saying things like 'stressful but nothing I can't handle'. I don't often elaborate unless I'm speaking to a close friend or close family member and these last few weeks are taking their toll. I can't seem to keep things light. I am drowning in uncertainty and lack of control, spiraling in negative thoughts. My deepest darkest fears are rarely said out loud because I believe that if you put it out into the universe, it could happen. Since this post is written (not spoken) I figured I would tempt the fates and put my negative thoughts here and maybe release my worries (like in This Is Us; when Randall and Beth play the game Worst Case Scenario).

These are in no particular order, they are my personal feelings:

I'm scared that all the hard work, time and money that we put into starting a new business will all be for nothing

I'm scared that I will cause undue stress and worry to my brother and his family

I'm scared I will disappoint my husband by continuing my overeating and shatter whatever is left of my confidence (the confidence that had attracted him to me in the first place)

I'm scared that if I start to fail in one aspect of life that it will snowball into everything else, like being a good mother to my son

I'm scared to lose my self-control when it comes to drinking, never having tried it before and being curious about it now more than ever

That sums it up, I go through everyday with a smile and I put all of my focus and energy into the task at hand but when work is over, when the tv is turned off, when I am alone with only the sound of my own breathing; it is these fears that take over. With any luck, tonight will be different, the fear will live only in this space. I am banishing these thoughts to this page as the credits roll on the 1st Austin Powers movie. I look over at my husband, who has no idea what I'm writing about, and seeing his goofy smile as The Spy Who Shagged Me starts, I start to feel some relief.